Remembering...

I came, I saw, I fell in love. Damn!

X-l

WAKE ME UP WHEN SEPTEMBER ENDS!!

So long and goodbye!!

Prayer

Grabe nung akala ko na reach ko na ang limit ko, i'm proven wrong. Eto na naman!! At eto na naman yung feeling na ayaw ko na. Sobrang decided na ako na tumigil at maging irresponableng tao pero di ko naman magawa. 

God, I believe in you. I aked to be where I am right now. You gave me what I asked for. There is a reason why I am here. I am having a very hard time and I know I deserve this. Please help me get through thi coming months. I've reached my lowest point and I'm still recovering from my own inflicted torments. Sometimes I don't know how to go on anymore. Please help me. Please guide me. I believe and trust in You.  

AP (Araling Panglipunan)

Uniquely Singapore.

Oo na sa Singapore kami ngayon ng AP Team. Wala naman ako masyado makwento except nakakabwisit mga delegates minsan lalo na sa mga last minute changes nila hay!! Yun lang hehe...

nakikigaya kay lizzie

Statu....

Hanging by a thread <-- my life's status until further notice.

Hay...

What keeps me going?

I don't anymore.

I have to shake off this negative aura that's been surrounding me for the last few weeks. I have to cleanse myself and clear my mind. There's so many things going on that my brain and heart can't fully grasp the happenings around me.

I miss my old self. Saan na napunta yung batang laging nagsasabi na "Di si ___ ang magpapabagsak sa akin!" I miss me. The subtle fighter in me. The cheerful me. I want her back.

I had a chat with my colleague and she told me that instead of dwelling on the negative parts of my job, why shloudn't I do something to turn it around. And she's right! I had done that many times before in the past. But why am I finding it hard now? Well I just need to try my best. Stop thinking of the bad things that has not happened yet. Because the more you think about something, sometimes it becomes real. And I really want the best for every event. I don't want to give up. My mind tells me don't give up but my heart tells me otherwise. But since I am a logical person and emotion comes second, most likely I'll stay until I can finally go. I wonder when will that happen?

Basta aja!! go!! go!! go!! kaya ko to!! Ika nga ni Jasmin sa tagalized version ng My Girl, tira!! tira!!

More energy mas happy...

work + metal stress + pressure + OT= unhappiness.

I am obviously not happy. I perfectly know the reason for this unhappiness.  And I just want to get this over and done with. I'm so frustrated and all of the things happening around me is becoming to much to bear. There were days that I want to cry and scream for all its worth. Just to let it all out. And it's so sad because I'm not like this. I'm far from the girl I used to be. Gone was the optimistic and always smiling girl who loves to laugh. Now I'm glued to my chair, forever looking at the monitor. Dreading that I might have done something wrong again. I am forever fearful of the things that has not happened yet. And it depresses me. It dampens my soul. I don't want to be a gloomy workaholic person. The more hours I stay at work the more I long to break free. It' not healthy! For the past days I've been feeling neck and shoulder pain. There were times that I felt that my surrounding was spinning. I have to close my eyes to steady myself. 

Hay masama na talaga ito... God help me please????

Long overdue letter...

Huy miss kita. Minsan naaalala kita. Naiisip ko nga minan na sana joke lang ang lahat o kaya masamang panaginip.Na one day magigiing ako at nandyan ka pa din. Kasama namin mag mall, manood ng sine, videoke o kaya tumambay at magkwentuhan nkatulad ng dati. Sana lagi pa din tayo nagpapapicture at buo pa din tayo. 

Nasabi ko ba sayo na love kita kahit lagi tayo nag aaway? uyyy... minsan lang ako magabi niyan kaya pakakatandaan mo tong post na to. Namimiss kita sobra. Sana naiiyak ko na ang lahat pero alam ko na hindi pa din. Biruin mo almost 4 years din ako in denial? Minsan may times na alam ko na wala ka na pero ayaw tanggapin ng puso ko. Naiiyak na nga ako habang ssinusulat ito eh. Alam mo naman na matagal ko na balak gawin to pero I'm not strong enough na ituloy to. Sana nandito ka. Alam mo ba si Glai na meet na si Ryan? Naabutan mo ba yun? Ayun nag-away daw sila ngayon kaya madrama ang status sa YM. Si Ariane naman graduate na din. Magexam na siya para makakuka ng lisensya sa pagtuturo. Si Zon bumalik na sa family niya at may bago ng bf. Member pa siya ng choir sa simbahan nila. Di na nga pala sila nakatira dun sa bahay nila sa Timog malapit na sila sa Cubao ngayon.  Si Jaymie dalaga na huhuhu... di ako makapaniwala ang laki na niya at graduating na siya. Si Mellannie naman nagwowork na sa Smart. Ganoon pa din siya... super bait at huwarang ate. Minsan-minsan na lang kami magkita ngayon. Di kasi swak mga sched namin eh. Super demanding pa work ko, busy lahat ng tao. Sana kung nandito ka mas madami ang nakukulit ko na tao. 

Sana kahit lagi tayo nag-aaway dati eh nafeel mo man lang na isa ka a mga tao na nagpasaya sa HS life ko. Kayong lahat nila Mel, Ariane, Zon, Glai at Jaymie. Kaya minsan gusto ko na HS ulit tayo... para nandun ka at les complicated ang buhay. Assignments, test projects ang madalas na problema. May naalala ako... remember mag 2nd year tayo nun tapos tumawag ka sa bahay para sabihin na a Bicol ka na mag-aaral? Haha!! muntik na ko umiyak nun! Ikaw talaga! ;p At ang dami na palang nagbago!! Yung SM North ibang-iba na!! May Trinoma na din a tapat. Parang di mo pa alam mga kwento ko ah. Alam ko na kung naaan ka man eh nakikita mo lahat ng nangyayari dito.

Pero alam mo may times na naiiyak ako. May times na feeling ko numb ako. At hindi ko talaga mailabas yung hurt na nafifeek ko kasi wala ka na. Ayan! Naiiyak na naman ako. Last hristmas get-together namin eh naiyak ako. Sana sa mga ganitong bagay eh maiyak naman ako. Kasi alam mo naman proud ako na tao. Di basta-bata naiiyak sa mga bagay na nangyayari a akin. Pero pag dating sa mga palaba ayun naiiyak ako agad o kaya may ibang umiiyak. Pero lately lagi ko na lang feel na umiyak dahil a work. Naikwento ko na ba sayo work ko? Hay naku!! ayaw ko na!! pero baka nasasabi ko lang yun kasi pressured ako. Help me ah. Alam ko close kayo ni God at na sa pangangalaga ka na niya. I-hi mo din ako kay St. Jude. Pasabo sorry at di ko na siya nabisita a church niya at nakakapagdaal sa kanya. Basta be happy always ha. Thank you sa lahat-lahat. Miss ka namin... pero wag mo ako tatakutin ah... Alam mo naman matatakutin ako. Sorry din a lahat ng heartache na binigay ko sayo. Alam ko umakit ulo mo sa akin. Basta mahal ka naming lahat. Kahit wala ako maibibigay sayong cake... Happy Birthday! muntikan ko pa makalimutan di ba? sorry... ;p Happy birthday ulit!!

Eating is fun... very fun...

It's eating me.

My job is eating me alive. I can only take so much and I'm on the verge of giving up. No matter how I try to look for the sun and follow the light, all I can see is a vast darkness slowly creeping in my lighted path. I really don't know what else to do. I feel so hopeless. I feel like a burden to my colleagues. And I don't like that feeling.

Just gobble me up whole and end this agony.

On fears...

People fear so many things in life. From the most compliated matter to the most mundane things. I fear so many things and one of those things I fear now is work.

I'm not the type of person who schedule my day or weeks activity. I tried to but in the end I can't follow my own schedule. And its frustrating! I frustrate my own self! And I'm afraid to disappoint my colleagues. I'm feeling a great pressure now. Sometimes I want to scream and drop at the center of the earth. I'm really afraid of disappointing people and making a mistake. I really don't want to diappoint my co-workers. ARGH!! I have to change I know! I houkld start now! God pleae help me.

Spur of the moment

It' indescribable. The way I feel right now.  It's like I'm stuck in this lighted corner and everything else is a vast darkness of the unknown. I want to move, but for some reason I can't. It's my fault for not doing anything. I should have faced the music a long time ago.

It's now or never. Change or fail.

I definitely choose change.

Quench the thirst

In a moment of confusion, you're heart beats rapidly and everything recedes in to the background. All you can hear is the thunderous beating of your heart. Your breath becomes labored and the air seemed so dense. Everything is getting slower by the millisecond and you wait for that moment. The moment of release. Freedom from the agony.

And ever so slowly he turned around. Then you realized it's not him. Just another case of mistaken identity.

WARNING: Long overdue blog entry

Wow! It's been a year already and it seems like it was only yesterday. The exams, hell week, projects, sleepless nights, over demanding professors, case studies and many more were just the few things I want to escape when I was in college. Now, I want it all again in my life. And when I look back, I realize that I was lucky to have studied in UST, met my beloved CA1, learned many things inside and outside the classroom. I miss my classmates. I miss my professors. I miss UST. I miss the food they sell around UST. I miss college.

When I entered college, I felt like drowning. I was scared. There were so many people - strangers. I was used to knowing everyone by name, face or reputation. I grew up with the same people in SMCQC from kinder to 4th year high school. So I was really shocked on my first day in college, that cowered. I immediately went out the university's premises, took a jeep going to my friends house. Goodness... I'll never forget that day. I felt so alone. Slowly I adapted to the environment. But sometimes I wish I were in high school again. I felt that life in high school was so simple. It was only on the latter days of my college life that I realized that I was enjoying my college life. I experienced many things that I will never experience in my sheltered kinder, grade school and high school life. I got to meet different kinds of people from different walks of life. I made a lot of memories in college that I wouldn't trade for all the riches in the world.

I'm very thankful to my classmates. They were able to tolerate my craziness especially Amz and Pinks. I learned a lot from CA1. Here the the things I'll remember most about my classmates:

1. Vea- Vea with the V. With ala peace sign pa to emphasize on the V. Very sweet and super nice. I'll never forget the day she confronted O because of their adver report. First time I saw her mad. Pero natawa kami kasi kakaenter lang ni O a classroom kinonfront na niya agad. Ahahaha!!
2. Grace- Shobe of our class. The ever OC girl. Madaming dance step yan... Pati siomai ginawan ng dance step. Now we work at the same company. Shobe tatagal ba tayo?
3. Franco- A very nice guy, super down to earth and a good dancer.
4. Czare- CA1's mommy. The ever so responsible president.
5. Kenneth- My partner sa pag-sayaw ng "Sasakyan Kita", "Cutie cute cute" at madami pang iba. He always make me laugh.
   
6. Jacy- Super lambing. Grabe I super miss her paglalambing. A very very good friend.
7. Ruth- Pretty and nice. Someone who always wear a jacket in class.
8. Des- Cheatmate! haha!! My seatmate in 1st and 2nd sem of our second year in college.
   
9. Eva- Taray pero nice. Tambayan yata ng CA1 apartment niya pag may class projects.
10. Chinky- Super cute at nakakaaliw.
    
11. Liszt- Forever classmate!! Of all of my classmate, Lizzie was the one that I had worked with often.
    
12. Jason- Irreg classmate. Photographer. Stars are blind. Nakaaway ni A. Haha!!
    
13. Dianne- The girl who cried wolf. Tatalunin ng mga quotable quote niya ang pinakaquotable quote sa mundo.
14. Marvie- A moving force in our IMC days as a whole class.
    
15. Jen- One of the dancers in class. Groupmate ko sa adver in 3rd year 1st sem.
16. Val- Asaka. Good singer.
17. Abby- I'll always remember the way her hand moves when she recites.
18. Kae- Another dancer in class. Smart, pretty and nice.
19. Badet- Ang liit ng boses. Super nice.
20. Reg- Good dancer, can sing, good at photoshop. Daniel in Once on this Island.
21. Ako to.
22. Amz- What can I say? immune yata to sa virus ko eh... di nahawa sa kabaliwan ko hehe...
23. Pinks- Like me lagi siyang natatapilok.
    
24. Olet- Kahit di namin siya kasama na nag graduate, 3 and a half years namin siyang nakasama.
25. Ate Arbs- She' really like my ate.
    
26. Arvee- The boy who cried wolf. Laging kasama sa prod team ng class. Nag audition sa Philippine Idol.
27. Kyle- Very good at graphics design. My first seatmate in college.
28. Jona- Very creative. Good at conceptualizing ads.

Yan pagkakasunod na yan ang seating arrangement namin. Wala sana ako nakalimutan hehe...

Anyways, I have so many wonderful memories with CA1. I also learned a lot from them.

Stressed is desserts spelled backwards

Who would have thought that chasing your dreams can actually get you burned?

I slowly feel the light starting to diminish. But I always find myself holding on to that small flicker of light.

Why do I always find myself treading uncharted waters?

Sometimes I really feel the urge to jump in the vast ocean. Drown away everything. Wash it all away.

There are days when it's so breezy.
There are days when I find myself walking in and out of that hole.
There are days when I don't feel anything. Laid back and carefree.
But most days I'm the lackadaisical me.

Don't mind me, I'm just stressed out.

Randomness

Please, forgive the ranting...

***

What keeps me going? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it's pure instinct or the natural urge to move forward.

Keep going. That's the right thing to do. The road ahead is still very bleary. There are lamp posts, the moon and the stars to give sufficient light. But I want the sun. I long to see the sun.

***

I hate it when people keep you out in the dark. It frustrates me to end argh!!

***

Sometimes I feel so bored that I want to quit. But I can't so... guess I have to stay for a while.

***

Miss school so much. Miss my classmates. Miss my professors. Miss everything in college

And the circus never left town

Why do I find it hard to believe the crying clown?

The lap dog bit his master.

The vultures and scavengers are waiting for the kill.

The ring master is at the center of it all.

Former ring masters simply can't stop themselves from joining the circus again.

People aren't exactly enjoying the show.

I wonder what' next?

Happy Shalala

Things that made me happy last March 9

1. Kenneth and Vea. They really made me laugh with their online radio show haha! Now I miss them even more.
2. People who greeted me happy birthday.
3. Hearing Mass
4. The little girl who reached out for my hand when we started singing the Lord's Prayer.
5. Slept for more than 5 hours woohoo!!

Hoping for a better year head! :D