Bad dream

I dreamt of losing teeth again. This time I didn't just lost five or four, I lost my whole teeth. In my dream my teeth involuntarily grinded each other. At first it was okay until the grinding became faster and faster. I noticed one of my teeth might fall off so I tried my best to stop the grinding. Lo and behold! After the grinding stop all of my tooth fell off except the one tooth I thought will fall out initially. I was so scared in my dream and I went to this doctor. But before the doctor sees me I woke up. Dreaming of a tooth being detached to your gums has a super bad meaning. Up until now I am still scared at the implications of that dream.

Of course the narration above is the shortened version of my dream. I'm starting to fear sleeping again. 

Just my opinion

Aside from the swine flu, typhoon Emong and Pacman's victory against Hatton what else interests Filipinos nowadays? Well, it' non other but Martin Nievera's rendition of Lupang Hinirang. 

I grew up singing the Lupang Hinirang every morning before classes starts. The tone, tempo and pitch is engraved in my heart. That is why every time I hear singers sing Lupang Hinirang differently my left eyebrow really goes up. It' not only Mr. Nievera that had sung Lupang Hinirang differently but other singers as well. Out of the singers that sung Lupang Hinirang in Paquiao's fight, Kyla's rendition was the best. 

I'm really frustrated with this issue regarding the right way to sing the Philippine's National Anthem. Every fight walang palya ibang version na naman ang maririnig mo. Sometimes I wonder what other nationalities watching were thinking about our national anthem. Because they hear different versions every time Paquiao has a fight. And personally I think it doesn't show unity and respect for the country. I bet Filipinos watching the fight were confused and a little bit thrown off when they heard the Lupang Hinirang last sunday at Paquiao's fight.

Singing the National Anthem in front of other nationalities is indeed a priviledge and an honor. People should sing it the way it's supposed to be. I understand that Mr. Nievera just want to deliver an athem that would make Filipinos proud. But it's not a song to show vocal prowess. I myself didn't like it. It was so different that I actually cringed while listening to it. No offense to Mr. Nievera. I actually like him as a singer.

Argh! It's really frustrating why can't Filipinos just sing one version of the Lupang Hinirang.

Some reflections

Over the holiday, I realized some things while watching some Lenten show specials. I realized that I can't let things go off that easily. I hold on. I try to repress my emotions simply because it is not me to be angry, melancholic or emo. But I can be hateful at times, not in the true sense of being hateful though. It takes a very long time for me to accept things and let it go. I am still learning. Learning to accept changes in life and let go.

Argh!

Why do I feel so hateful and resentful right now. It seems like I'm in a roller coaster of a mood swing. Yes I am moody but not hateful and resentful. I don't like this feeling and I feel bad that I feel this way.

Random musing...

I haven't ranted here for a long time now. So here's one.

***

Every summer I complain about the hot temperature without fail. I always tell a friend that the whole Philippines should have a cooler/air con. But last year I didn't feel the hotness that much. Maybe because I was cooped in a place called 'office' which is air conditioned. Anyway I felt the summer heat's full force this morning. It was so hot I had problems with my breathing and I felt a little bit faint. 

***

The paranoia is kicking in again. Last month our very malambing cat scratched my left thigh. And being the semi-hypohondriac that I am, I was scared I might get rabies from that simple scratch. So anyway, I felt light headed the other day (i think this is due to the hotness of that day), felt stinging pain in my left thigh and had short breaths for most of the day (again I blame this on the hot temperature). I thought 'oh my! are these symptoms of rabies?'. But getting rabies from a scratch is rare. It's just a case of paranoia.

***

The weather's so weird this week. Just lat monday it was scorhing hot! It was almost unbearably hot to the point I felt faint and kinda out of breath. But yesterday was a surprise. It rained for a while. And the relatively warm-ish/cool-ish temperature ontinued until yesterday. Oh it's raining outside by the way.

***

I miss them. My OIC friends. Next time I'll remind myself not to look at our photos. It makes me miss them like hell.

***

If being serious and ready means feeling like time is running out, then i want to feel laid back again. I so hate this feeling. Feeling like there's a timer set in front of me and I'm running out of time. I'm beginning to feel rushed. Goodness I really need something to keep me preoccupied.

***

The weird dreams are coming back... again. It's the kind of dream that scares me and makes me think. There was a time I felt scared by just sleeping. I was scared that those weird dreams will come back. The weird dreams were very rampant when I was still drawing. Sometimes I think if my dreaming and drawing were related or just a case of pent-up creative juices materializing as a weird dream.

***

Please let me have it.

Wow late reaction din

It's 3:30 in the morning and I have nothing to do. Just to entertain myself, I looked at some old pictures taken almost a year ago. And gad! nostalgia came crushing like a wave to the shore. I suddenly missed the people from OIC. 

I still remember the first thing that came to my mind the first time I met them. "Wow they're all so young". They all looked like fresh out from college. At first I was shy and reserve. I remember calling some of them Ma'am or miss and in return they'll tell me to call them in their first name. As months passed we came to know more about each other. They're all so nice. Kinda like the ates and kuyas I never had. 

Little by little the people I've come to know and grew very fond of started leaving one by one. The first to leave us were Mommy and Tutchi. I was very sad when they left. It was like taking away something away, like a brand new doll. A brand new doll that you adore and would like to spend more time with, share bedtime stories, be with you just because. It really tore my heart to see them go so soon. But I understand that they want to look for greener pastures and catch their dreams and make it finally come true. Then months later Emil our accountant/admin/expo coordinator left us. It really surprised me that Emil would leave us. But then again, he knew his priorities. And then, funny man/IT guy/graphic artist Warren followed those who left before him. He went for a truly greener pasture. And based from what I saw, he looks content and happy with his new work. Pancho the new IT guy who was supposed to replace Warren left so soon. Come to think of it, 2 week after Warren finally left Pancho followed suit. It's just not his cuo of tea. We've come to know him for only a short time but he really is helpful. He was able to put up with my ramblings and pagtataray. And really, I can't remember shouting at him and if ever I did, I just wish I didn't. 

Three months later, six OIC workers called it quits to give way to new experience and adventure. Guess who's one of them?

Goodness I miss them so.

The hypochondriac strikes again

Darn! Our cat Maliksi scratched my left leg (the thigh part). He settled on my lap because he wanted to be petted. When I thought that he already had enough petting, I tried to move him down on the floor. Just as I was lifting him, he suddenly tried to grab my left leg scratching me in the process. And being the paranoid-semi-hypochondriac that I am, I immediately thought that I might get rabies from his scratch. Goodness! Despite the fact the 2 of  friends already assured me that I won't get any rabies from that scratch well I still have my reservations. Although it's rare to acquire rabies via a sratch, still who knows if his nails and paws has his saliva on it.

Gaaaaaddddd!!! If anyhting happens blame it all on the cat. 

Nice boys and girls please stand up

Mommy this is all your fault and your blog entry about nice guys!

Yes, nice guys finish last. Same goes for the good girls out there. But sometimes I think that nice guys are the mediocre type of person as well as the nice girls. Why be the nice one, wait for the person you like and finish last? Why not do something about it? 

hmmm... 

sand man

I've never realized the joys of having an early night sleep until now. I've become a nocturnal creature. Now I wait, count time until sleep would finally claim my conciousness. 

A hermit

I soooooooooo soooooooooo haaaaaatttttteeeeee myself right now! I want to scream at myself for being such a soft hearted type of person. I really find it hard to say no to people who needs my help even strangers! Abby, a friend of mine told me that not being able to say no to people is one of my weaknesses. I never really noticed that I find it hard to say no to people until Abby pointed it out. 

I want to cry buckets of tears right now and bawl myself out. No matter how I look at what had recently transpired, I just can't get rid of this feeling of loss. A loss of Php. 6650 to be exact. Now I want to receive my credit card bill and pay the due amount as soon as possible. I know I asked for some drive to find a new job and stop lazing around the house. But I never thought that that drive will come in as an endowment plan. 

Now I feel so pressured to find work as soon as possible because I have an endowment plan to pay (though I plan to call them and inform them that I won't be able to pay until I find work), a pagudpud trip on summer and my savings not getting anywhere I wanted it to be. 

So from this day forward I'm OFFICIALLY A HERMIT until I find a work. So with a heavy heart I have to say so long to shopping, foods, gimmicks and books temporarily. 

This is such a bummer. :(

now what?

I shouldn't be envious. In fact I'm not! It's just that deep down there's this nagging feeling that it would've been me. Should've been me. I don't even know why I'm blogging about this. What the heck! I'm very confuse right now. Don't even bother understanding this entry.

somewhere out there...

My first love is advertising. I fell in love with it the moment Mr. Estrella introduced it to us. And for one gruelling year it became my life, the center of my universe. Nothing matters more than advertising. I knew advertising was what I want to do. I was made to create ads with a 'whaaaapppppaaaakkkk!!' feel to it.

After graduation, I strayed for awhile from the path I wanted to take. But after a month or so, I was again intent on getting a job in an ad agency. Sad thing is, I lack the heart to continue when the very thing I wanted the most is already in front of me. Yes I am a coward. I hesitate to grab opportunities presented to me. And before I know it, the very thing I dreamed of is out of my sight. Doubt always get the better of me. I doubt myself, I lack confidence but most of all, I am afraid to fail. The fear of failing makes bring out the worst in me. It stops me from doing things I want to do. The truth is, I am my own enemy. I am the biggest obstacle in achieving my dream. But little by little, I am learning face my fears. 

And so, after my short stint at a call center company and seven months after graduation, I found myself working at an events company. If there's one thing I hated the most back in college it would be mounting an event. I remember how tiring planning and executing an event was. But lo and behold! Who would have thought I'd end up as an events assistant huh? To tell the truth, I was blinded by the opportunity to travel abroad. That's the sole reason why I wanted the job. I want to travel you know. While working at the events company, somewhere along the way I lost most of myself. Gone was the optimistic me. My smiles turned to frowns. I easily snapped at people. Halfway through 2008, I realized that my work was not healthy for me. The more I learned how much I changed, the more I wanted out. You see, it's not a good change for me. I became someone I don't like especially when it comes to work. I prided myself with getting a work done on time. A good work at that. But at work, it seems like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try it's still not good enough. And the fear to fail became stronger than before. He says that it's okay to make mistakes. But he's such a contradictory fellow. Make a mistake, then you're branded for life. He will not remember all the good things you have done but the mistakes you made. Honestly, up until now I still don't feel good about him. For all the sufferings and hurtful words and emails I received from him, the demoralization it'll take time to forget. Good thing about my previous work were the people. They sure made my work life less stressful. Such supportive people really made me happy. But more often than not, the unhappy times outweighs the happy times. So I decided to leave. It'll be good for me, for the people around me and espcially for him. Just the thought of leaving the company made me happy. A heavy burden in my heart was lifted. I felt liberated. I became more happy each day. And at last I'm out of that hell-ish work. But I must say, I really learned a lot from my experience in my past work. 

Over the course of two years, I learned that to make something happen I have to take action. So slowly but surely, I am trying to take a step at a time towards my dream. 

 

stranded

Scared. Confuse. Stagnant.

My inner compass had gone haywire. And now I'm standing on a crossroad with a blank look on my face. I am super loss.

I don't know how to get there. So here I am standing still afraid to take a step.

speechless

And so I heard that writing is not for me. I feel sad that some people think that way. But I'm thankful anyway because they're just being true to me. But still it hurts.

It's no secret that I want to be a writer and I want to write and have my own drama series one day. I may not be an expert in grammar, I may not really know how to play with words nor use big words but I do like writing.

I will try again and again to write. I'll continuously improve myself. In the end, all that really matter is what I want and I what I did to achieve it.

Bob Ong says...

1. "Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya.."

2. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba."

3. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."

4. "Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."

5. "Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."

6. "Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo.. Dapat lumandi ka din."

7. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."

8. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."

9. "Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang."

10. "Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una."

11. "Hindi porke't madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa."

12. "Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang maganda o nakakalibog ito. Totong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka."

13. "Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority."

14. "Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw yung bida sa script na pinili nya."

15. "Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo."

16. “Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala”

17. “Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan”

18. "Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"

19. "Pakawalan mo yung mga bagay na nakakasakit sa iyo kahit na pinasasaya ka nito. Wag mong hintayin ang araw na sakit na lang ang nararamdaman mo at iniwan ka na ng kasiyahan mo."

20. "Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang mga taong malalapit sa iyo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo."

21. "Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal...nakakatakot mahulog...at kapag nahulog ka, it's either by accident or talagang tanga ka.."

Bored

I'm so bored... And because of boredom I started exercising (hip hop abs to be exact). Doing hip hop abs makes me feel good. My muscles are stretched, I'm sweating and I feel so active. So maybe boredom can bring out good things. Like awhile ago, I was so bored I started doing yoga. Just the basic moves, position and the breathing exercise. I felt my muscles stretching and it felt so good.

I just hope I never get tired of hip hop abs and yoga. 

confused... ~_~

Again, I find myself standing on a crossroad. And honestly, I don't know which path to follow. I know where I want to go, I know what I want to do and yet I don't how to start.

For now I'm a drifter until further notice.

The Edward Cullen Fever

Symptoms of Edward Cullen Fever:

1. You start wanting to have a drop dead gorgeous vampire for a boyfriend.
2. From a prince riding a white horse, the Prince Charming you've wanted for a long time suddenly became someone who is an impossibly beautiful vampire that can read your thoughts. And instead of the white horse, he drives a silver volvo.
3. You start wanting to have shiny swarovski skin.
4. You have the urge to play the piano like a virtuoso.
5. You have a violent reaction when you saw Rob Pattinson's new 'do. 

If you have two or more symptoms mentioned above, then there is no doubt that you have been hit by the Edward Cullen fever. 

I'm sorry for the Edward Cullen fanatics out there, but up until now it baffles me what makes girls go gaga over him. So what if he's impossibly beautiful, a superb pianist, drives a silver volvo and romantic? Maybe, it's because up until now many girls (not just the teens) still believes in a prince charming (okay... the love scrooge is emerging again). Or in this case, a vampire like  prince charming in which people saw in Edward. 

I've seen the movie and read the books but I still don't get it. He's just not my type maybe. 

Curiosity killed that cat!

So I was curious and searched the net for some information. But I swear I was not prepared to know the truth. Errr... scratch that, rather I was not prepared for what I saw. 

I was listening to the morning rush and they mentioned about herpes. Yes herpes! The sexually transmitted disease. They mentioned that herpes does not go away (?) but remains dormant. So the curious kitty in me came out and searched the net about herpes. I should have known that curiosity killed the cat. I was not prepared to see herpes! I mean, herpes on the mouth and face I can handle but on the genitals? Ack! I still` cringe when I think about what I saw. I should have not scrolled down the page but well, curiosity got the better of me.

So be very very careful when you do the deed. Ack!  

2008 Ride - Year in Review

This is a very very late year in review entry...

2008 was a roller coaster ride. It was exciting, fun and scary. There were so many loops, uphills and downhills. And just when I thought that the ride was over, well let's just say I didn't see another loop ahead. Oh how many times have I wanted to stop the wild ride but I can't, I have to finish the ride. 

2008 was a fruitful year. I learned alot and gained much treasured experience from here in the Philippines and abroad. I became less selfish or I would like to think so. There were also a lot of "first time" for me. I was able to travel abroad, the white water rafting at Ayung River, Bali, Indonesia and I met a lot of people from different country. It was a very hard year for me but it was fun. 

Forget about the downhills of the ride. I just want to remember the uphills and the exciting yet scary loops of the roller coaster ride that was 2008.